12 Step Journey

My newfound journey on the road of sobriety, with alcoholics anonymous providing the roadmap.
Never give up. There is no such thing as an ending, just a new beginning.

Never give up. There is no such thing as an ending, just a new beginning.

I show my scars to others so they know they can heal!

I show my scars to others so they know they can heal!

The worst hell I can think of is when you die, the person you became meets the person you could have become.

The worst hell I can think of is when you die, the person you became meets the person you could have become.

Sometimes not sliding backwards counts as moving forwards. 
Sometimes not actively trying to die is living large.
Sometime holding my ground is a fragile miracle

Sometimes not sliding backwards counts as moving forwards. 

Sometimes not actively trying to die is living large.

Sometime holding my ground is a fragile miracle

Sometimes it ends up different, and its is better that way.

Sometimes it ends up different, and its is better that way.

I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.

I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.

Love starts when we push aside our ego and make room for someone else.

—Rudolf Steiner

It doesn’t matter if the water is cold or warm if you’re going to have to wade through it anyway.

—Teilhard de Chardin

Do not forget that the value and interest of life is not so much to do conspicuous things, as to do ordinary things with the perception of their enormous value.

—Teilhard de Chardin

Because if the room was empty when I showed up I’d be dead now.  
I honor my obligation to those who come after me out of gratitude to those who came before me.

Because if the room was empty when I showed up I’d be dead now.  

I honor my obligation to those who come after me out of gratitude to those who came before me.

Today I think I can trace a clear linkage between my guilt and my pride. Both of them were certainly attention-getters. In pride I could say, ‘Look at me, I am wonderful.’ In guilt I would moan, ‘I’m awful.’ Therefore guilt is really the reverse of the coin of pride. Guilt aims at self-destruction, and pride aims at the destruction of others.

—Bill W.

Everything you running away from is in your head.

Everything you running away from is in your head.

I don’t pay attention to the

world Ending.

It has ended for me

many Times

and began again in the morning.

Anonymous asked: My husbands a alcholic, he stopped drinking for a while but now is drinking again. Every time I speak up about the situation it seems to make things worse. How do I approach the situation without upsetting him?

Thank you for your question!  Please know that you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers today, and if you want to discuss further or talk privately, send me a message and we can take the conversation offline.

Without knowing the particulars, I am hard pressed to give specific advice, however I believe there are some guidelines and principles that may help.

First and foremost, if you are being physically or verbally abused due to his alcoholism, please leave the situation and seek help immediately.  Your own well-being always must come first.  

Second:  Visit http://www.al-anon.org/how-to-find-a-meeting and find a local al-anon meeting to attend.  There you will find experience, strength, and hope from other people who have loved ones who are also alcoholics (both active and recovering alcoholics).  If there is a group in your area, they may provide insight into your question of how to approach the situation that I may miss - plus you will find a support network there ready to help you.  In addition, I would get the AA Big Book, and read the first 5 chapters, plus chapter 8.  It is available online, on the kindle, at almost all AA meetings, and can be found here for free http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoholics-anonymous.  As an alcoholic, I can tell you that at least for me, how it describes the alcoholic and alcoholism was very true for me, and it would probably help you to read those chapters.  

Chapter 8, “To Wives” (they do need to update this section to be “To Spouses/Partners”), I think you would find very helpful in answering your specific question of how to approach him.  However, no matter what you do or how you approach be prepared for him to possibly get angry.  Some suggestions that as an alcoholic I thought held very true for my experience:

  • Never get/be angry.  Leave if you need to (temporarily or permanently), but my partner getting angry with me never made me want to quit - it just made me want to drink more. Stay calm and have patience, and always approach from the “I” viewpoint not “You” viewpoint (you need to…. vs. I feel/am …..)
  •  Never tell him what he “has to” do about his drinking.  Doing this will most likely just lead him to drink more (it did with me).  
  • Be there for your friends/family/children and don’t allow his drinking to ruin those.  Walk out if you must to preserve your other connections with people.
  • The best time to bring up a conversation is the day after a heavy drinking episode.  This was when I was most open to reason and listening (don’t attempt it before or during drinking).
  • If he brings up the subject himself (his drinking) ALL the better (this may be a comment like “I should cut down” or “I drink too much”).  If he does suggest he read the Big Book of AA - specifically the first 3 chapters.  He will most likely identify with what is said there.  When I first turned the corner and found my way to an AA meeting, the movie “Flight” with Denzel Washington really moved and spoke to me.  It might to you and him as well. 
  • Offer to go with him to an AA meeting if he is interested.  He may want to go alone.  There are also people that would be happy to listen to his story and talk with him anywhere (at his home, coffee shop, etc.).  To get some people to visit I would call your closest “Intergroup” office (you can find one here http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources). However, make sure this is something he wants (don’t ambush him).

I hope that this is at least somewhat helpful.  Like I said I strongly recommend going to your closest Al-anon group as they may have additional wisdom on the matter.  I would also get to know the AA program as best you can as well, so you can help guide him in the right direction when the moment arrives.  There is a wonderful pamphlet call “Is there an Alcoholic in your Life?” - I would suggest you read it as well as it has additional ideas for how to approach the alcoholic http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-30_isthereanalcoinyourlife.pdf

If I can be of further help, just let me know.

~12 Step Journey

"no"

might make them angry

but

it will make

you

free.